maybe.

regret strikes
as stars wheel overhead
I can't sleep.
and it is in this darkness
that I know with certainty
that I will be alone
in the teeming masses.

but this is what I've allowed.

for the briefest of moments
I had the hope of
comfort —
but I understand.
no one wants impermanence.
no one wants to be temporary.

I am selfish
and scared
and deeply scarred.
it's easy to forget
the depth of others.

maybe I can learn to be happy.

honey.

when I run
I will take the weight of a thousand worlds
with me.
the deep dark shadow of stars
unborn
of planets unaligned.
I will become that which I hate
and that which I envy.
I just want to sleep alone.
I just want to feel.
I just want.

I.
the word means nothing.
but I can still taste it.
it tastes like failure and selfishness
it tastes like immorality
and judgment.
it tastes sweet
honey

it tastes of truth.

freedom.

there is nothing I'd like more
than to be real.
a person
rather than a doll.
I am a cardboard cut-out of a woman
a utility
rather than an artist.
I want to walk.
as far as I can out into the desert
until the sun rises and the heat
becomes a physical thing
until the shimmering mirage becomes real
until I find the canyon
with the palo verde that sighs my name
in the furnace wind
right before the rain.
it is not my fate to be free.
I will bear this burden until the stars
burn out
I will carry the souls of those I betray
until my blood soaks the sand.

but I still dream of freedom.

not freedom from responsibility
but the dark freedom of acceptance
of knowing what I am
and what I will become.
no one gets to make another decision for me.

I step out into the air.

terminal velocity.

do you love
to read your name on my tongue?
to know that the hurt runs deep
like subterranean tributaries
to know that when i think
too long
on the humiliation dealt
my eyes sting
and my heart aches?
don't you love it?
the effect you've had on me?

I've lied to you.

I can't admit to
the lie that I've fed you
about my transient nature.
the lie that emptiness is my goal.
do you savor
the blood I taste when I hold your
secret name in my mind?
I know all I've meant —
nothing
is just fodder for your ego
I'm filling space
wasting time
until you find someone
worth your attention.
there are parts of me I'll never admit
parts of me I cannot show.
and I've got no right to ask for anything
but that does not mean
I cannot feel.

I feel everything.

a universe of desire
an infinity of genuine affection.
and the knowledge that I'm not good enough
is all pervasive.
each time I fall I know that
I will fail.
I will never escape this terminal velocity.

not pride.

you
cut me
and i can’t stop the bleeding
it has been years since i’ve felt anything
this real
this raw
and it hurts.
more than it should.
not pride wounded
but something else.
something more shameful.

suffocate.

i can’t be everything to you.
it is a suffocating existence —
one full of guilt and shame
i cannot love you well
when i cannot breathe.
i am sorry as i drown
in the love that has created
so much good
so much beauty.

just know
that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be.
i tried so hard for so long
to be someone i could be proud of.
but i’m still me
false and empty.
i still find myself distracted
by the inconsequential.

i will stay as long as i can.

very tired.

there’s something very broken
in you
and not in the way that many like
something sad
and so cold —
all sharp edges. 

you left me
stranded in the dark
with strangers.
and you don’t seem to think much of me —
but i forgive.

always.

you made me bleed.
if only a little bit.

i wonder if i should thank you.